Finding Home on an Open Ocean

I’ve encountered this question playing “Would You Rather,” multiple times;  “Would you rather go to the beach or the mountains?” I can’t pick a side for the life of me. My ultimate soul rest is hiking up a mountain in my Chacos, setting up my Eno hammock, and furiously journaling in my Moleskine. Just add some campfires, stargazing, and tent sleeping to that, and you’ve got a perfect day in my mind. And yet, I equally love the beach. I have a high affinity for shells. On my recent vacation, after spending hours looking for shells, I walked away with half a sand dollar and a whole conch shell. I also love the ocean. Give me some waves and you’ll have to bribe me to come out of the water. 

On my recent vacation, I’ve found another reason to love the ocean. Paddle-boarding. After learning how to do paddle-board for an hour in a safe harbor, I spent three hours paddle boarding on the open ocean. It immediately became a passion. It has the same effect as worship for me. Out on that open ocean, I felt Jesus closer than my breath. At one point, I paddled away from everyone, plopped down on my paddle board, and starting worshipping. The lyrics of “Captain” and “Oceans” reach a whole new level when you look out in front of you and all you see is open ocean. Combine the two things that make me feel the presence of God the most (worship and paddle-boarding), and you’ve got another perfect day.

I had to take a step of faith to paddle board. I could have backed out. I could have said no. Yet I chose to do something out of my comfort zone. And almost instantly, it became one of my favorite things to do. It gave me many sweet moments, when I felt the Holy Spirit so thick around me, just by being and breathing. All because I chose to leave my comfort zone. In just a few short hours, I will be taking the biggest leap of faith I ever have. I’m headed to college. I’m moving hundreds of miles from home. I feel like just as I’ve become comfortable, just as I’ve found the church family I’ve always dreamed of having, just as I’ve found my calling here in Connecticut, I’m being uprooted again: physically leaving the people I love and look up to so much. Yet the Lord put something on my heart while paddle boarding that day. We can't grow in our comfort zones. If we stayed in our comfort zones forever, never taking steps (or leaps) of faith, we’d never move forward. We’d never have to rely on God for things. To grow, we have to keep moving out of our comfort zones. 

In my paddle board worshipping experience, the Lord also revealed to me that home is not a place. It’s a person. Being on that paddle board in the middle of the ocean, amongst stingrays and fish and sharks, I felt at home. Why? Because I felt Jesus there with me as close as ever. He made it feel like home. Anywhere Jesus is, is home. Perhaps it’s because deep in our hearts, we know that earth is only a temporary home. Deep in our souls, we know that we’re made for eternity, where simply being in the presence of Jesus, face to face with Him, is indeed Home. 

Lost and Found

This Thursday, I was driving home from a lovely morning at Terrain, one of my favorite spots near where I live. It was the soul rest I’ve been needing: filled with nourishing food, my favorite coffee, beautiful scenery, and new ideas. I was driving down a particularly windy and busy road, when in the middle of the road, was a rather fat, fluffy large dog. He clearly knew he was lost, as he kept on walking in circles in the middle of the road. My mom and I got out of the car, opened the back door, and he came bounding in. Thankfully he had a collar with a number on it, so we called and found out where his owner lived. Meanwhile, Samson (the dog) had stretched himself out on the back seat, panting happily. Turns out he had strayed about a mile from home.  

As soon as we arrived at his house, he jumped out excitedly and began running around his owner, running toward me and licking my knees, almost as if to thank me. The owner told us that perhaps he had gotten used to his electric fence, and had finally gotten brave enough to cross it and go exploring on his own. 

Upon reflecting on this, I’m reminded of the story of all Jesus followers at one time or another. Particularly my story. We decide that what we already have is not enough. We know the Father loves us and that He will provide everything we need, but curiosity’s voice is louder. We wonder if we’re missing out on something greater. So we take the jump and break through our electric fences (forgetting that those boundaries are there for a very good reason). That initial shock of leaving the Father might be the Holy Spirit telling us that it’s not a good idea, but at that point, we’ve escaped and decide not to listen because there’s a rush of adrenaline racing through our bones. We think we’re free. We go out in search of other things that could fill our heart’s desire. We seek after things that we believe might give us comfort and worth and love. It might be wonderful for a little while. However, once we’ve strayed a mile down the road and realize we’ve forgotten how to get back home, fear takes over. Once the realization that we’re lost (or that we’ve run away from the Father), leaves us wading in pools of our own shame, looking down at the ground and walking around in the same circles of addiction and brokenness because we don’t know how or why the Father would want to take us back. 

Thankfully we serve a faithful God, who oftentimes points us back to Him, by placing His other sons and daughters in our lives. Sometimes He uses other people to lift our heads and to take every step with us, until we find ourselves back in the arms of the Father. And when we’ve finally made it back home, the joy that overtakes us is amazing. Once we’ve realized that the Father has taken us back and loves us just the same, all we can do is throw ourselves into His arms and into the arms of the people who have helped us make the journey home. And then perhaps, life takes on a whole new meaning. We see life with a whole new perspective. We are freer, more joyful, and filled with new life and purpose, because we once we lost, but we have been found. 

This is Samson :) 

Lessons Learned From Sky Camp

I spent some time volunteering at Sky Camp, my church’s camp for young kids. The following is a reflection upon my weeks. 

My first week, I was an elementary crew leader. I had six campers, three of them were 12 year old girls. The others were boys who ranged in age from 8 to 10. Even before I met my campers, God put this love for them in my heart that I didn’t know existed. My goal going into the week was to love on my campers and to show them a glimmer of the Father’s heart for them. That was my prayer for the week. By the end of the week however, I realized I had been trying to be Jesus to them, and meanwhile, they were Jesus to me. I saw Jesus in one of my girls, as she willingly held the door for the entire camp, multiple times. I saw Jesus as my girls willingly gave up their desired job of being our crew’s “guide” for the day, to let my youngest boy have it (even though he had done it twice already). I saw Jesus in my kids when we once crawled like monkeys to our next activity...only to discover that one of my kids was excellent at crawling on all fours, with movements so fluid, at first glance you’d think he was actually a money. I saw Jesus in this monkey kid, as he taught the other kids his monkey ways, and we eventually all ended up rolling on the floor laughing (literally). I saw Jesus as one of my girls (who refused to pray out loud amongst our crew), volunteered to pray for us at the end of the week. I found myself discovering the love of Jesus and uncovering His heart for me in places I had never seen before. 

This week, I am a preschool crafts leader. Yesterday, I discovered that one of the preschoolers didn’t speak a word of English. She only spoke Spanish. Upon hearing this, during crafts, I attempted talking to her in Spanish (even though I only took a year of it). It was simple conversation. I asked her if she wanted a stamp on her hand, or what color egg she wanted. Not even full sentences. Today however, when she saw me in crafts, she came right up to me. When I led the kids outside to do some painting with their feet, she held my hand tightly and didn’t let it go. Instead of nodding or shaking her head, she told me what she wanted. She told me she wanted to paint with pink sparkly paint before I even asked her. At lunch, she started babbling to me in Spanish and whispering Spanish into my ear. I asked her if she wanted water and she told me that she did. We walked to the water dispenser and she filled up a cup of water to the top. Then she grabbed a second cup and started to fill it with water. The dispenser was basically empty at that point however, so the water in that second cup filled not even a sixth of the way. She gave me the first cup. I hadn’t told her I wanted water, but she insisted that I have the fuller cup. She took the one sip of water she could from her empty cup. 

I’m reminded of how trusting children are. “These children are the kingdom’s pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God’s kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you’ll never get in” (Luke 18:17), takes a whole new meaning. As soon as a little bit of the Father’s heart was shown to them; as soon as they felt the love of Jesus, they were so eager to love and serve others. They didn’t doubt that what they were hearing could be false. They didn’t doubt God’s love for a second. They were so eager to love in return, and in doing so, showed Jesus to me and revealed the Father’s heart to ME. 

"Let the children alone, don't prevent them from coming to me. God's kingdom is made up of people like these" (Matthew 19:14)

Unashamed: 2 books, 72 hours

“Breaking free from the shackles of shame is not an overnight experience or a quick-fix, ten-step process. It is, however, a grand, ongoing adventure of discovering the depths of God’s love and the huge scope of His power to transform us, recreate us, and continually renew us”

-Christine Caine

I think everyone struggles with a constant negativity. To some extent, an idea/sin/feeling, haunts your every day, and it’s a daily choice to surrender it to God and choose to believe what He says is there instead of what you see in front of you.

For me, that thing is shame. Shame used to haunt me and control my life. While its hold on me is not overpowering anymore, it is still something very present in my day to day. It’s a conscious choice I have to make more than daily: choosing to believe that my life is defined by grace now. That God puts a cloak of grace on me, and doesn’t see what’s underneath. That He sees me the same way He sees Jesus. More recently however, I’ve told God that I’m healed. That shame is over and I’m free. 

I find it humbling then, that God sent me two books this week, with the title “Unashamed.” The first sent by a stranger I’ve only talked to once in my life over Facebook...someone who had written a book called Unashamed and felt led to send it to me. The latter by a friend, who knew that I’d been dying to get my hands on this book. Two books called Unashamed. Both sent to me in the span of 72 hours. It’s almost as if God is saying (in a little more than a whisper): “Shame still haunts you. You think I’ve healed you, but I have so much more in store. I have so much more to give you.” Ironically, the second I told God I was healed, that my life was all victory all of the time, those exact same feelings of shame began to creep right back to where they’d been before.

And I’ve come to realize that this weekend. Shame is a monster that doesn’t go away overnight. It is not a quick fix. It is not a ten step or twelve step process. It’s an ongoing adventure. It’s pressing into the depths of God’s heart and letting His love continually affirm who we are in Him. Only God is capable of taking away shame. People can point me in the right direction and people can point me towards Jesus, but only Jesus is my Healer. Only He knows how to make me into who He created me to be. So let’s start pressing in. Let’s start listening to what He says about shame and what He says about us. It’s an ongoing adventure that will never stop renewing us, recreating us, and transforming us. I’m about to hop on board, and I’m so ready for the ride. 

When CPR Doesn't Work...

I had a 10 AM brunch date with a good friend of mine who recently moved back to Connecticut after a couple years of living 1000+ miles away from me. I left my house a bit early, as I have the “to be on time is to be late” mentality drilled into my head from my high school choir director. I got there 10 minutes early and sat in my car, deciding to wait for my friend there. My parking spot was facing the main road, and I kind of zoned out, watching the cars fly down the street, way above the speed limit. That’s when I witnessed something that now, I would much like to erase from my mind. A car pulled out of a driveway directly across the street from me, and onto the main drag. Unfortunately, he wasn’t looking, and happened to hit a car flying down that main road. They had a T-Bone collision. At a solid 45 mph. I saw everything unfold right in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The car get jolted a good 4 feet in the air upon impact. Smoke rising. Noise after noise, screech after screech. I could almost feel it from my car. I immediately went into shock. What if my friend was in that car? What if my friend wouldn’t make it out of this alive? I was too traumatized to cry or scream or pray. I was frozen in shock. I watched all the surrounding store owners call 911, come out of their stores with hatchets and fire extinguishers. I watched them extricate a woman from her car and put out the smoke. I watched EMT’s perform CPR on this woman who was severely injured and clearly unconscious, for multiple minutes. They weren’t able to get her conscious again. After getting a text from my friend, I relaxed a bit, knowing it was not her. But it was still the craziest thing I’ve ever witnessed. And I’m still slightly traumatized as everything happened directly in front of me. I feel attached to this woman now. I witnessed her pain. 

Coffee (the best coffee I’ve ever had in my life....perhaps because my soul has never needed it more than at that moment) and hugs from my friend calmed me down and began to warm my heart again. But we immediately started talking about the accident. How I had witnessed the whole thing....witnessed her pain and had felt completely helpless. How witnessing anyone’s pain immediately makes me feel helpless and trapped inside, because I just want to make it go away. We started then to talk about our own pain. Physical and emotional pain and scars...some of them still wounds needing to be healed. 

If there’s anything I’ve been reminded of today, it’s that life is fragile. It’s that we live in a broken world. Which means that sometimes, CPR doesn’t work. Which means death. And pain. And brokenness. Truth is, things are not okay right now, and they won’t be until Jesus comes back. Yet at the same time, that’s our hope. Life is broken, but I’ll venture to say that it’s beautiful too. This beautiful painful confusing struggle of a thing called life only leaves us longing for more of Jesus. Longing for our true home. It leaves us cracked, but only able to let Jesus shine through those cracks. Because even though pain is here, hope is here too. There is death, but there is also life. There is pain but there is also rescue and redemption, because Jesus is still in the business of redemption. Letting Him lift you on His shoulders and walk through valleys with you suddenly becomes a less daunting task. So let’s embrace this broken life. Things are not okay right now but until then, this life leaves us looking to Hope and living in Hope, knowing that one day, things will be okay again. 

Stepping Into the Light

Earlier this week, I experienced debilitating fear about going to college in 102 days. In the course of 24 hours, I went from being excited about college, to absolutely convinced I could not go. I told people I was going to take a gap year; my brain coming up with irrational reasons why I wasn't ready. I wasn’t healthy enough yet; people wouldn’t love me in this state; people would see me at my worst and I wasn’t ready for that. 

I thank the Lord for wise people who are able to enter the chaos and shame of these moments and gently coax me out of my pain cycle. As I poured out all the reasons why I essentially wasn’t good enough for college yet, to one of these people, her simple answer shattered my perception of what I thought college would be like. “If college for you is like taking that first jump while cliff jumping, it doesn’t matter how long you wait. That cliff is still going to be there. You’re going to have to jump eventually. My fear, is that if you took this gap year, we’d be having this exact same conversation next year.” Her words were a piercing arrow of truth. I had this built up perception of college. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to be proud of who I was. I didn’t ever want to be seen at my worst. And then I realized how impossible that was. We’re human. We’re never going to be perfect. And I can guarantee you as sure as I’m sitting here (drinking an almond flat white coffee and eating gluten free cake outside my favorite hipster coffee shop...ultimate white girl status here...the sun and shadows creating awkward tan lines on my arms), if I’d taken the gap year, I’d just keep on coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t ever go to college. 

As the reality of college hit me this week, it dug up some of the fears and lies I’d buried months ago. I was putting the fear of what others would think of me before the way Jesus already thinks of me. I was seeing myself through the eyes of my past, through the lens of shame. I assumed that as soon as people discovered who I’d been and the things I’d struggled with, that they’d hate me. That they’d refuse to be around me. That was shame. Shame says I am my mistakes. Shame says that I am my past. It says that my past is my whole story. Shame keeps me running away from the dark (who I used to be) instead of stepping into the light (my present; who God made me to be). God has been making these things increasingly clear. If I keep running from the past and hiding from the inevitable, people will see me through the lens of my past. If I give shame the power to define me, it will. And others will define me by that too. But if I step into the light, the present that God has for me: it is there where I will experience abundance, nurturing relationships, and grace. It is in stepping into the light that we find we are loved for who we are at our core. Children of God. It is there where people long to be around us because of our compassion. Our laughter. Our hobbies. Our personality. Is it there where we find LOVE because the mistakes we’ve made in the past have nothing to do with what’s in store for us in the future. What we’ve done has nothing to do with our identity, with who we are. 

So let’s quit hiding and running away from the dark. Let’s start stepping into the light (which looks different for all of us). For me, it’s deciding to define myself as Natalie. A Jesus follower. A Child of God. Fully known. Fully loved. Clothed in grace. Sensitive. Tender Hearted. Slow to complain. Alive. Worshipper. Lover of Jesus, worship, coffee dates, intentional conversations, chacos, Enos, bumper stickers, jam sessions, moleskins. 

Cedarville University, see you in 102 days :)

From Immense Pain to Incredible Purpose

I wrote a couple weeks ago about lions and their hunting tactics. A female lion doesn’t have a mane, so that she can camouflage herself in the bushes. It’s the male lions who make those terrifying roaring noises, and as the prey run away from the noise, they end up running straight towards where the lionesses are hiding. Lionesses lack a mane. Their purpose is found in something they lack. 

My sweet friend Dana, is the embodiment of this principle. She is a senior at my high school and more importantly, a friend of mine. At age 13, she started to lose her hearing, from a genetic disorder called Neurofibramatosis Type 2. Non-cancerous tumors grow on her auditory nerves, keeping her from hearing. One day, she will eventually lose her hearing completely. Yet even amidst all of this, she is the happiest person I know. When I am around her, I can’t help but be joyful. We laugh about random things. We communicate in the little sign language I know, and the little sign language she has taught me...and laugh about that too. 

Dana is an amazing photographer. Through suffering, she has found her purpose. She is the photographer for many sports teams at the high school, and for Young Life. Dana says her  “photography is a gift [she’s] been given as [her] way to communicate and connect with others”. She is able to feel and connect with people’s emotions through her camera lens. 

Getting to know her better this year has been such a privilege, as it’s dramatically changed my perspective on life. As I have lost a lot due to some health issues this year, being around this beautiful soul who finds her purpose in things she has lost too, has been an encouragement and an example. Because the truth is, we will all experience loss. Whether it be our hearing, our health, our energy, our friends, it will come. The more we focus on the loss, the more our lives will be shaped by negativity and grief. It is up to us to choose what we want in our frame. In Jesus, we have all the strength we need to kick loss out of the frame of our lives, and find our purpose through it, like Dana has. 

Because God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others. Even God lost His only son for a while and Jesus lost His father. And in that, Jesus found His purpose. Saving us. In the incredible pain of loss, comes incredible purpose!

Here are some of Dana's photographs! All credits go to her!

Lessons from a Four Year Old

Getting out of bed after 9 hours of sleep is already a battle. Try 6 hours and I’ve got a seemingly impossible task in front of me. When my alarm went off at 6:30 AM, I stayed in the haven of my warm bed for 20 more minutes, debating whether or not I wanted to show my face to the world that morning. But I decided to be brave. I got up. 

The first three classes at school were torture. My mind was foggy. I felt like I was going to pass out. All I could think of was how tired I was. I went to the library during my free to attempt to read, and ended up falling asleep (patagonia fleeces make amazing pillows). I woke up to a gentle tap on the shoulder from a sweet girl in my choir class who I barely talk to. My groggy and confused expression must have said it all. “The bell’s about to ring. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead or anything,” she exclaimed, half jokingly and half seriously. And then before turning to leave, she whispered to me, “I believe in you.” I believe in you. Those four words changed just about everything. The day got easier after that. It was still drained in every way, but Jesus was my sustainer. He gave me all I needed to get through the day. He gave me rest in the form of intentional conversation, which re-energized me. 

If that wasn’t enough, God went farther. That same day, an appointment I had scheduled right before work ran late. Frazzled, I ran into the classroom only to find a packed, loud, bustle of kids. Two of whom had just walked in and were teacher-less. My co workers breathed a sigh of relief and within 10 seconds, I was sitting down with these two brothers. They immediately started fighting over a pencil and both of them ended up in tears. A room filled with chaos; kids who have spring fever and don’t feel like studying; now add two screaming crying brothers to the picture. But that’s when the younger one, who had just turned four years old, looked at me and said in his adorable voice: “You’re beautiful. Did that just make your day? I tell my mom that every day.” And then he started doing his work again, as if none of the past 3 minutes of fighting had existed. I almost started crying myself. Because in that moment of chaos, those were the exact words I needed. 

The words we say, change people. You can think the truth in your head, but there’s always a part of you that doesn’t believe. I can tell myself I’m beautiful because Jesus says so and He doesn’t lie. I can trust that so and so loves me, but hearing them say, “I love you,” “You’re beautiful”, solidified those things in my head that day. When my friend and my student spoke those God given words, I felt like it was God speaking those words directly to me. Hearing my friend say “I believe in you” changed everything because I realized that God says that to me every moment. When getting out of bed seemed impossible that morning, Jesus was there whispering to my soul, “I believe in you. I believe in you.” Hearing my four year old tell me I was beautiful, made me realize that even in that moment of chaos, that’s how Jesus was thinking of me. God used a four year old and a friend whom I barely see, to speak truths over my life that I couldn’t access in the moment. Those truths drastically changed the course of my day. 

My prayer is that we would follow these examples. That we would listen to the Holy Spirit and speak truth into people in moments where they can’t access it themselves. 

The Courage to do Hard Things

I love John 16:33 "Take Heart for I have Overcome the World". I have these words on a poster directly above my bed, and they're the first thing I see when I open my eyes. In one of my favorite books, Levi Lusko transformed this verse for me:

"It's interesting that [John] writes Take Heart, because heart is also translated as courageousness. So he is saying Take Courage. We generally think of courage as an emotion or attribute that you either have or don't. Not so. Jesus' command is for you to take it from His hand--as much as you need" (Levi Lusko). 

I've come up with a definition for bravery recently. Bravery is having the courage to do hard things. It can be letting Jesus pick you back up even though you've fallen a million and one times. Being on the outside who you are on the inside. Choosing to believe who Jesus says you are even when everything in you feels the opposite. Getting out of bed and doing something with your life, even when you have no energy. Deciding to trust God when your future is uncertain. Choosing to see what God says is there instead of what you see in front of you. Showing your flaws and scars, because there's a difference between a wound and a scars (a scar is healed and in fact made up of STRONGER tissue than before the injury), and there is ever so much grace. 

These hard things differ for everyone. Whatever they may be however, we cannot do them on our own. We can't muster up enough courage on our own. To have courage, we must take courage, take heart. Jesus is standing with His palms wide open, holding all the courage we'll ever need, and all we have to do is take it. 

So let's take it. Let's take heart and take courage. Let's be a brave generation full of world changers.

Through The Eyes of a Lion

My minute obsession with lions began my freshman year, on a retreat. Someone saw a vision for me during worship. They saw a lion who thought he was stuck in a cage, yet the doors were wide open and all he had to do to be free, was to walk out. I didn’t realize how prophetic that vision was, as years later, I would come to understand that vision and proceed to walk out of the cage. 

Then there was The Lion King. One day, I watched the Lion King three times with a sick cousin of mine. The parallels between the movie’s plot and the Gospel, blew me away, and still do to this day. And I’m sure we’ve all heard of Aslan, the Lion in the Chronicles of Narnia, who pretty much represents Jesus. 

But lions have become more important to me recently, because I am learning to see life through the eyes of one. 

Lions are 6 times better at processing light than humans. Lions can stretch their pupils 3 times more than we can. And get this, God painted that white stripe under their eyes, so they can maximize glare. So even in the dimness of the moonlight, lions can maximize the amount of light available to them. Lions don’t have access to more light than we do; They are just better at using it. I want to maximize the amount of light that I see. I want to see things that my rods and cones can’t see. I think so often, we see what is right in front of us: (our bodies wasting away day by day, our present troubles that seem to block that telescope of faith we have access to). But God is calling us to see what God says is there. So even though I see days of confusion and fogginess, God says He is my clarity. Even though I see death, God says He is the resurrection and life. Learning to see what God says is there, instead of what I see in front of me. 

Lions never walk on flat foot. They’re ALWAYS walking on their tiptoes. They are always ready to pounce at any moment. I want to walk on my tiptoes. When you’re on your tiptoes, you can see over things. You can see over the bad to get a peek at what’s around the River-bend. Because suffering is not an obstacle to keep God from using me; it’s an opportunity to be used by Him through it. Where there is impossible pain, God brings incredible power. God always uses suffering for His glory, so whenever I see pain, I want to get on my tiptoes to see past it, and think “I can’t wait to see what God will do through this.”

Lions hunt in groups. Lionesses hide in the bushes while the male lions give a huge roar that can be heard from 5 miles away (Ever wonder why lionesses don’t have a mane? They couldn’t camouflage themselves in the bushes if they did have one. What a lioness doesn’t have, equips her for what she’s called to do). When the prey hears that roar, they run....run straight into the trap where the lionesses are waiting. The prey runs straight towards their fear. I want to run straight towards my fear. Because fear is necessary for there to be faith. If there wasn’t risk or danger, we wouldn’t need faith. But victory only comes my friends, when we do the things that terrify us. 

So let’s start living like lions. Seeing beyond what’s in front of us by maximizing His light, living with expectation by walking on our tiptoes, and finding victory by running right towards our fears. 

                                                               Ps, it's temporary :) 

A Lesson Learned from Pancakes

I was on a retreat this past weekend, and at one point, I found myself making pancakes for 60 people with a dear friend at 6:30 AM. We were delirious from the 5 interrupted hours of sleep we’d gotten the previous night, and I was running purely on Jesus and loads of coffee. It eventually came time for flipping the pancakes, but we only had a pan and a griddle with a raised center and edges that eventually sloped down. I watched as my friend’s pancakes turned out perfectly circular. When I battered my own griddle however, it sloped down the sides and the pancakes ended up looking like they had feet protruding out of them. On most other occasions, I would have heard the lies. “Your pancakes aren’t perfect. You’re a failure. Look at what you did?” Shame’s voice would be loud and I would have to stop and remind myself that because of grace, I could accept the truth (that I am perfectly imperfect and beautifully flawed). In this particular moment however, shame never had the chance to speak. It was silent. The two of us laughed at the crazily shaped pancakes, and I continued to flip pancakes without giving it a second thought. 

I used to think that shame was the opposite of grace. That moment showed me that love is. I have never doubted this friend’s love and care for me. Every time I see her, she hugs me and tells me how beautiful I am. I knew in that moment that she could care less about the shape of the pancakes, and even if she did, she didn’t love me any less because of it. 

That’s the way God’s love is for us. Unconditional, not based on circumstance, not a feeling or emotion, but the core of His being. God is the only one capable of loving us like this 100% of the time. And this love, agape love, conquers shame. 

I’ve tasted that. In that sweet moment, where my friend loved me through God’s agape love, shame didn’t even exist. If shame was a weed, grace would keep it from not growing too tall and not taking over my life. But agape would pull that weed out completely. 

Grace reminds me that I can receive that agape. Grace reminds me that I’m worthy of agape. But only agape, only unconditional love, can completely conquer shame and pull it out of my heart for good. 

So friends, let's fall into His perfect love for us, and watch our shame and fear disintegrate and disappear. 

Hey, love has conquered all your shame

I know you got things that you regret

But your story isn't over yet

It doesn't matter where you've been, don't forget

It's not what you've done, it's what His love is doing

It's not who you were, it's who you are becoming

Have you heard that He makes all things new

I believe His love's not done with you, no no

His love's not done with you

"If you would know Love, you must know Pain too"

I heard the parable of the sower with fresh eyes this week. After months of growth, with Grace defining me now instead of shame, I saw myself invariably, as every “bad seed.” The seed trampled on. The seed choked. The shallow seed. And that’s when God immediately began to speak to me through His word. God took that seed of truth before the enemy and before the lies could snatch it. And then, He planted that seed in my heart. 

I believe He does this with all of us. He plants seeds of truth in our hearts. Yet more often than not, the planting process hurts. It often takes trial and fire for us to realize we even need to be planted. God needs to clear out all the crap in our hearts to make room for the seed. While the planting hurts, however, it is always good for us in the end. 

One of my favorite passages from one of my favorite books goes like this, when the Shepherd is about to plant a seed into Much-Afraid's own heart: “It is so sharp that it slips in very quickly. But, Much-Afraid, I have already warned you that Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.” We forget that seeds have sharp edges. We forget that we are broken people with sin and worldly things in our hearts. For every inch deeper that seed has to grow, an inch of crap in our hearts has to be cleared out, so that seed has room to grow. In order to know God’s truth and identity, and in order for these things to take deep root in our hearts, we must know pain. If everything went wonderful all the time, we would have no opportunities to cling to these truths as if they were our lifelines. 

Pain is real. Days (sometimes weeks) of emotional pain, physical exhaustion from fighting so hard. These are real things. Yet so is growth. So is Truth. So is Hope and Identity.

The planting hurts but we can rest in the fact that the future is bright because of it. We will know love and truth that is so much sweeter than the pain.   Once the planting process is over and we have become deeply rooted in our identity, the truth and the life we find is so much sweeter. 

Then he pressed the thorn into her heart. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger. She thought of the Shepherd’s words, ‘It is so happy to love,’ and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shown. For a moment Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all.” 

As we continue to let God grow us deeper, the truth is all we have to hold on to. Hold the truth, trust the process.  Slowly, sometimes painfully, it will all start to come together. We’re never given more than we can take without Him. We will bend, but never break. For if we hold on and keep letting God plant seeds in our hearts, we may look back and find that the pain seems like nothing, compared to God’s deep rooted truth.

G.R.A.C.E

As I've been wearing my "Grace" key necklace for a little over two weeks now, God has continued to show me the depths and complexity of His grace. Days ago, I stumbled across a spoken word video about grace, and it has stuck with me. I wanted to share some parts of it with you, as well some words God has given to me and shown me, about grace.  

Simply put, grace is 

Gained

Righteousness 

At

Christ's 

Expense

It means that now we are seen as blameless and worthy. It means that God sees us the same way He sees His son, Jesus. We are fully made righteous. And we can fully accept that. The bible says that Noah, Abraham, David, and Joseph (the great leaders of the Bible), weren't righteous. They didn't have it all together. They fell, like we did. But somehow, we get to be called righteous. Even though I've made a whole lot more mistakes than Noah or Abraham or David or Joseph, I GET TO BE CALLED RIGHTEOUS. All because of GRACE. Grace is a 

Gift, that once 

Realized, 

Adequately

Covers

Everything

A gift that covers sins, past present and future. A debt paid. Mistakes gone. Sinking in the river like a stone. Still is sinking today. And will never stop. All because of GRACE. Grace is a call to 

Get

Ready

And

Come

Expectantly

because life without shame or condemnation is beautiful and abundant and free. Grace is

Giving

Redemption

And 

Communion to 

Everyone

because once we have freely received, we can freely give through the power of His name. Grace is 

Granting

Rest

After 

Condemnation

Ends 

because a 

Gap has been 

Realized

And

Connected

Entirely

A bridge has been built. A battle has already been won. We are victors not victims. All because of GRACE.  Grace is 

Grace

Received

And

Can't be

Earned

It's accepting the gift with humility and gratitude, knowing that you can never pay it back, no matter how hard you try. It's stepping into a movement to change the world. Therefore

God

Reigns

And

Christ is 

Exalted

Forever. All because of GRACE. 

Simply put, Grace is proof that

God

Really

Always

Can

Endure

Always and forever. In every storm and trial, in every mountain top and blissful moment, GRACE endures. GRACE is constant. GRACE is what God declares over us every day. And that, my friends, will NEVER change. 

Sometimes Things Fall Apart and They Have to be Stapled Back Together

Sometimes things fall apart, and you have to staple them back together

As a tutor for elementary school kids, I get a lot of questions. And while I oftentimes can't answer them, I love them because they make me think.

At work this week, one of my students asked me why I had a stapler on the desk (the curriculum packets we use ALWAYS rip apart at the seams, so I've resolved to keep a purple mini stapler on the desk so I don't have to keep getting up and running across the room every 10 seconds, praying my kid doesn't tear the room apart while I'm gone). Without really thinking, I answered "Sometimes, things fall apart, and you have to staple them back together." My student accepted this and then we sat in silence again as she got back to her "plus fours."

It's not just paper that falls apart and has to be stapled. Life falls apart. In less than 24 hours, there have been two deaths in our extended family/friends who are basically considered family.

Life falls apart at the seams very quickly.

My life has become so different recently and I often assume now that Jesus has healed my heart,  I can live the life I've always dreamed of living. Yet I'm still so oftentimes disappointed in the outcomes of my reactions, realizing that while things have drastically improved, there is still more healing and more work to be done in my heart.

Life falls apart so quickly.

Tragedy. Stress. Those days when nothing seems to go right. Facing your demons. Things often do fall apart, and you need Jesus to staple them back together.

Something Christine Caine always says has been on my mind a lot recently. The pain of recovery hurts a lot more than the pain of the injury. Falling apart hurts. That first phone call with bad news that you receive, hurts. Listening to shame, hurts. But when reality sets in and you realize how much damage has been done to your heart; You realize just how much healing has to be done...that hurts a whole lot more.

Luckily, we have Jesus as the One who gets to "staple" our hearts and our lives back together again. And as the recovery process is painful, our Savior knows the gentlest way possible. He sees things we don't see. He is the God of all Comfort.

I'm praying for you this week, friends, as you face the pain of recovery. Whether it's being healed from your past, being healed from loss (of person, of job, of relationship), whatever it may be, I pray that you may embrace the pain of recovery and lean into Jesus. Because yes, while things often do fall apart, Jesus is the best "stapler."

The Giving Keys

Last November, I was looking for a key necklace (as I've always secretly wanted one and I had some spare money). And then I found The Giving Keys. It's a website with quite a beautiful idea. In a nutshell, you get a necklace with a word on it. You wear that word around your neck. You grow into that word and embrace it. That word becomes tattooed upon your heart. And when the time comes, Jesus puts someone on your radar to give it to and to pass it along to: the best friend you've known for years, a child of God whom you've never seen walking on the street. Whomever. In God's time, you pass it along.

I loved the idea and immediately got one for myself that said "loved." Good Good Father had become my anthem during that season and I wanted nothing more than to be reminded that I was loved by Him.

Three days after I'd gotten the necklace, I got to see a friend who had just gotten out of a rehab-like facility, and who was about to go back. As we had lunch and caught up, the Holy Spirit tugged on my heartstrings. I could see right past her fake smile and laughter. I could see the brokenness in her eyes. I wanted her to know too, that she was loved. In seconds, the necklace came off my neck and was on hers. I haven't been allowed to talk to her since, but I pray that "loved" becomes her identity and becomes written on her soul.

On my birthday this weekend, I was watching a sermon by Louie Giglio. He mentioned The Giving Keys. How it was a picture of the Gospel. God touches your shattered world and you're wearing the reality of what He's done. At some point, it's time to give that possibility to someone else. God had freely given me unconditional love. I wore that as a reminder around my neck. Yet God's assignment to me on that day was to then freely give what I had been given. To remind someone else what her true name was.

After that sermon, I got myself another Giving Key. This one says "GRACE". I lived years and years feeling unworthy of grace, rejecting the cross and holding on to shame because "I wasn't worthy of it." Thankfully God has broken that off, and now I choose to believe that I am worthy of grace, although it is a daily choice and daily surrender.

On the night of my birthday however, after being celebrated by people who mean the world to me, and receiving countless tear jerking messages, I began to cry because I didn't think I was worthy of so much grace. I compared my life just 6 months ago to what it is now. Why had God poured out so much grace over my life? I didn't deserve it. Lyrics came to my mind: "There's nothing too dirty that you can't make worthy." Truth is, alone I am not worthy on my own. But Jesus is. And He died to make me worthy. He died to make US worthy. Worthy of abundant life and freedom and a continual flood of grace poured out over our lives.

As I wear this key, I am excited to be reminded of this message. Grace has always been my middle name; now it's time to continue to live that out. And at some point (hopefully more than three days from now :P ), I am excited to remind someone else that they are worthy of God's continual flood and overabundance of grace.

Through Waters Uncharted

"There are two great days in a person's life. The day we are born and the day we discover why."

I stumbled upon this while looking for an inspirational caption for my attempt at being artsy. It made the cut for my high quotation standards, because it is absolutely true. Being born is a wonderful thing. I am celebrating 18 years of birth today by sitting by the fire with a cup of tea, waiting for this so called snow storm (instead of being on a plane on the way to Ohio right now), and am so grateful that my wonderful friends have been born as well. I am so blessed to be alive when all of you are alive. Yet being alive is perhaps not such a good thing, when we don't know what our purpose is. Without purpose, life can get pretty empty, dry, shallow, and hopeless.

As a follower of Jesus, I believe that our purpose is to simply follow Him through waters uncharted. Through the pain and through the pleasure, all we should aim to do is to follow Him.

Pain is awful. My heart breaks for dear friends of mine who are deep in the valley of the shadow of death. Yet pain has a purpose. Without the valleys, we could not have mountains. Kings in Biblical times had to be anointed with oil. Yet in order to get that oil, the olives had to be crushed first. In order to be anointed, crushing has to happen first. And it is sometimes in the crushing and in the pain, that we find our purpose. To keep following Jesus.

If we keep following Jesus, despite the fact that things are dark, eventually, He will lead us out of the pain and into the pleasure. I am experiencing that now, as months of pain are beginning to turn into reaping of the seeds that were sown in these past long months. I can officially call myself a second semester senior. I love all my classes this semester. Every conversation I've had recently, has been about dreaming. Dreaming about the things on our senior bucket list and how to make them happen. Dreaming about the perfect summer. Dreaming about college and our futures. Yet even in the pleasure, our one purpose is to follow Jesus.

I know that I can so often assume that my plans are God's plans, yet He reminds me time and time again that it is indeed the opposite. That His plans should really become my plans. For it is in His plans that we find our purpose, and not our own. It's not a bad thing to dream--infact I believe that the passions God places on our hearts are from Him and are meant to be pursued. However I also believe that God orchestrates and God redeems, and that it is through pain and pleasure, where we find our purpose.

By following Jesus through every high, and every stormy gale, we will find the glorious unfolding that Jesus has for our lives. Each one of us is on an individual journey to pursue His plan, and it's a beautiful thing when it comes to us piece by piece, and we discover the JOY and HOPE and FULLNESS we are offered by Jesus, in this adventure called life.

Vulnerability

As most of you know, I am going to Cedarville University in the fall of 2016. We already have multiple group chats going and I'm starting to feel popular for the first time in my life (as I set my phone down for an hour and returned to over 3,000 new messages). I feel like I've known these people all my life. We've never seen each other face to face yet somehow, we can (accurately) guess what each other's voices sound like. My lovely piers already feel like family and I don't know how I survived life this far without them, their bedtime stories, and inside jokes.

What shocks me however, is how vulnerable we've been with each other. Many of us have shared things with each other that we'd never shared with anybody else (and note, we haven't even physically met). We've shared testimonies together, cried together, laughed together. And the simple reason behind our vulnerability is one thing: trust.  

Vulnerability is something I'm grateful for. For many years, I wore masks and pretended like life was peachy and beautiful (which it most of the time still is, but sometimes it's not). My biggest fear about entering college was that I would be surrounded by those same kinds of people and feel like I couldn't keep that mask off. 

That fear has been more than shattered. Earlier this afternoon, lots of us girls opened up about our life struggles. I opened up about my recent struggles, and other girls were vulnerable and shared how they struggle with similar issues. Each situation was immediately met with prayer and encouragement and love. No judgement. Just love. I am so grateful that I can walk into an environment where vulnerability is the norm and it is most often met with only love and Jesus. 

Vulnerability takes away shame. When you hear other people talk about vulnerable things, it makes you feel safe to share as well. It makes you realize that they aren't ashamed of what happened to them in the past, because God was (and still is) there, so neither should you be. Vulnerability heals. The devil tries so hard to convince us that we are all alone in our struggles. Yet as soon as we are vulnerable, we realize the lie that is. As all of my piers and I have been vulnerable, I've met at least half a dozen people who struggle with the same things I do. Our fears about college have eased as we know we already have a huge support system walking into it. 

Vulnerability heals but only if we decide to open our hearts to let God (and others in).

"When I began to name things, it turns out that God, He already knows. It was less like denial and more like healing" (Sara Groves). 

The Constancy of His Presence

If you read my previous blog post, my word for 2016 is Presence. That was given and shown to me entirely by God and He is already teaching me so many lessons about His presence.

This week has been full of good things and bad things. Of events that made me excited and events that made my heart break inside.  Yet in the good and bad this week, His presence (which is HOPE) has been so constant. In the midst of all the tempests and the bliss, I’ve seen Jesus. His arms holding it all and creating more peace than I could ever imagine.

God has not spoken to me in a fiery roar this week. Yet just this week, I’ve felt His presence a lot more than I’ve felt in a while. I’ve seen His presence. It came in a coffee date yesterday with my good friends, where all we did is laugh. It came in a deep conversation with my friend over Messenger while she happened to be reading a book. At one point, the sentence she happened to be reading exactly matched up to what I was talking to her about. It came in a hug from a friend when I wasn’t expecting it. It came from a group chat with my Cedarville piers next year….from the inside jokes we’ve already created, the Disney memes, the encouragement we’re giving each other, the kindred spirits. It came in going to Starbucks for a chai tea latte, only to have a barista announce that he was in training and had just made a bunch of drinks that were now free samples for anyone who wanted them. It was playing with 7 six week old puppies for 2 hours before school. It was watching those puppies flock toward me when they heard my voice. It was all the beautiful sunrises and sunsets I took pictures of this week. It was the end result of the painting I did. It was the feeling of my warm favorite mug, filled with my favorite tea, when my hands were ice cold.

All of these things were God’s presence to me this week. These things used to be trivial, ordinary everyday life happenings. Yet this week I’ve seen them as God surprising me with things that make my heart sing, and sweeping me off my feet with hope.

God’s presence is constant. It’s always there. We just have to decide to look for it. We have to lay down the “everything that happens is just a coincidence” idea. In the good news and the bad news, God is the same today, yesterday, and forever. In the dark times and the beautiful times, this Presence, this Hope, is constant. Always and forever.

 

 

 

A Word for 2016

According to the internet, 45% of Americans make New Years Resolutions. Only 10% of those who make them are successful at keeping them, and 1 in 3 people ditch them by the end of January. That used to be me. I used to make a list of a million things I wanted to change about myself, my life, and my relationship with God. After the list of "kept" ones grew smaller and smaller as the days (hours) went on, I'd simply resolve that I had failed for this year, and that I could try again come next January.

After a conversation with a friend about always striving to new and better things, and after finally admitting that I'd never be able to keep 20 resolutions, I decided to jump on a different bandwagon. This 2016 I have simply decided on a word to pray through and meditate on.

About a week ago, I sat down to write my newest song lyrics in my bible, when I happened to flip to the passage I'm currently memorizing with a friend. Realizing it had been days since I'd looked at it, I began to read it. One verse...specifically one word, jumped out at me: "we also believe and we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus, and bring us with you into His presence." Chills ran up and down my spine as my eyes landed on that last word, and suddenly I knew that God had given me my word for 2016.

A bunch of thoughts came into my brain about Presence. They came so fast that I could barely write them down before I was bombarded with more.  First of all, God's Presence is HOPE. When we struggle, we can put our hope in the fact that it will all be over in Heaven, in His eternal presence, where He will wipe the tears from our eyes.  Secondly, I thought of a certain line in the Lord's Prayer: "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven." Aka, bring some of heaven, some of God's Presence, down to earth. I realized that some of God's heavenly presence is here and available to us. We just need to ask. Matthew 7 says "Ask and it will be given to you." I believe if we ask for His presence...if we watch for it and wait expectantly for it, we will be amazed.

We were made for God's presence. When God created Adam and Eve, they walked and lived in the Presence of God. Like the lyrics of "Holy Spirit" say, God's presence is our living hope. In it, our hearts become free and shame is undone. Our hearts long simply to be overcome by His presence.

This 2016, I will be watching, waiting, and praying for Presence. Whether it's in the quiet moments (like sitting in a hammock while coloring and watching a rainstorm, which I did this past vacation), or the loud and bustling ones, we can encounter His presence anywhere, and that changes everything.