Unashamed: 2 books, 72 hours

“Breaking free from the shackles of shame is not an overnight experience or a quick-fix, ten-step process. It is, however, a grand, ongoing adventure of discovering the depths of God’s love and the huge scope of His power to transform us, recreate us, and continually renew us”

-Christine Caine

I think everyone struggles with a constant negativity. To some extent, an idea/sin/feeling, haunts your every day, and it’s a daily choice to surrender it to God and choose to believe what He says is there instead of what you see in front of you.

For me, that thing is shame. Shame used to haunt me and control my life. While its hold on me is not overpowering anymore, it is still something very present in my day to day. It’s a conscious choice I have to make more than daily: choosing to believe that my life is defined by grace now. That God puts a cloak of grace on me, and doesn’t see what’s underneath. That He sees me the same way He sees Jesus. More recently however, I’ve told God that I’m healed. That shame is over and I’m free. 

I find it humbling then, that God sent me two books this week, with the title “Unashamed.” The first sent by a stranger I’ve only talked to once in my life over Facebook...someone who had written a book called Unashamed and felt led to send it to me. The latter by a friend, who knew that I’d been dying to get my hands on this book. Two books called Unashamed. Both sent to me in the span of 72 hours. It’s almost as if God is saying (in a little more than a whisper): “Shame still haunts you. You think I’ve healed you, but I have so much more in store. I have so much more to give you.” Ironically, the second I told God I was healed, that my life was all victory all of the time, those exact same feelings of shame began to creep right back to where they’d been before.

And I’ve come to realize that this weekend. Shame is a monster that doesn’t go away overnight. It is not a quick fix. It is not a ten step or twelve step process. It’s an ongoing adventure. It’s pressing into the depths of God’s heart and letting His love continually affirm who we are in Him. Only God is capable of taking away shame. People can point me in the right direction and people can point me towards Jesus, but only Jesus is my Healer. Only He knows how to make me into who He created me to be. So let’s start pressing in. Let’s start listening to what He says about shame and what He says about us. It’s an ongoing adventure that will never stop renewing us, recreating us, and transforming us. I’m about to hop on board, and I’m so ready for the ride. 

When CPR Doesn't Work...

I had a 10 AM brunch date with a good friend of mine who recently moved back to Connecticut after a couple years of living 1000+ miles away from me. I left my house a bit early, as I have the “to be on time is to be late” mentality drilled into my head from my high school choir director. I got there 10 minutes early and sat in my car, deciding to wait for my friend there. My parking spot was facing the main road, and I kind of zoned out, watching the cars fly down the street, way above the speed limit. That’s when I witnessed something that now, I would much like to erase from my mind. A car pulled out of a driveway directly across the street from me, and onto the main drag. Unfortunately, he wasn’t looking, and happened to hit a car flying down that main road. They had a T-Bone collision. At a solid 45 mph. I saw everything unfold right in front of me. RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. The car get jolted a good 4 feet in the air upon impact. Smoke rising. Noise after noise, screech after screech. I could almost feel it from my car. I immediately went into shock. What if my friend was in that car? What if my friend wouldn’t make it out of this alive? I was too traumatized to cry or scream or pray. I was frozen in shock. I watched all the surrounding store owners call 911, come out of their stores with hatchets and fire extinguishers. I watched them extricate a woman from her car and put out the smoke. I watched EMT’s perform CPR on this woman who was severely injured and clearly unconscious, for multiple minutes. They weren’t able to get her conscious again. After getting a text from my friend, I relaxed a bit, knowing it was not her. But it was still the craziest thing I’ve ever witnessed. And I’m still slightly traumatized as everything happened directly in front of me. I feel attached to this woman now. I witnessed her pain. 

Coffee (the best coffee I’ve ever had in my life....perhaps because my soul has never needed it more than at that moment) and hugs from my friend calmed me down and began to warm my heart again. But we immediately started talking about the accident. How I had witnessed the whole thing....witnessed her pain and had felt completely helpless. How witnessing anyone’s pain immediately makes me feel helpless and trapped inside, because I just want to make it go away. We started then to talk about our own pain. Physical and emotional pain and scars...some of them still wounds needing to be healed. 

If there’s anything I’ve been reminded of today, it’s that life is fragile. It’s that we live in a broken world. Which means that sometimes, CPR doesn’t work. Which means death. And pain. And brokenness. Truth is, things are not okay right now, and they won’t be until Jesus comes back. Yet at the same time, that’s our hope. Life is broken, but I’ll venture to say that it’s beautiful too. This beautiful painful confusing struggle of a thing called life only leaves us longing for more of Jesus. Longing for our true home. It leaves us cracked, but only able to let Jesus shine through those cracks. Because even though pain is here, hope is here too. There is death, but there is also life. There is pain but there is also rescue and redemption, because Jesus is still in the business of redemption. Letting Him lift you on His shoulders and walk through valleys with you suddenly becomes a less daunting task. So let’s embrace this broken life. Things are not okay right now but until then, this life leaves us looking to Hope and living in Hope, knowing that one day, things will be okay again. 

Stepping Into the Light

Earlier this week, I experienced debilitating fear about going to college in 102 days. In the course of 24 hours, I went from being excited about college, to absolutely convinced I could not go. I told people I was going to take a gap year; my brain coming up with irrational reasons why I wasn't ready. I wasn’t healthy enough yet; people wouldn’t love me in this state; people would see me at my worst and I wasn’t ready for that. 

I thank the Lord for wise people who are able to enter the chaos and shame of these moments and gently coax me out of my pain cycle. As I poured out all the reasons why I essentially wasn’t good enough for college yet, to one of these people, her simple answer shattered my perception of what I thought college would be like. “If college for you is like taking that first jump while cliff jumping, it doesn’t matter how long you wait. That cliff is still going to be there. You’re going to have to jump eventually. My fear, is that if you took this gap year, we’d be having this exact same conversation next year.” Her words were a piercing arrow of truth. I had this built up perception of college. I wanted it to be perfect. I wanted to be proud of who I was. I didn’t ever want to be seen at my worst. And then I realized how impossible that was. We’re human. We’re never going to be perfect. And I can guarantee you as sure as I’m sitting here (drinking an almond flat white coffee and eating gluten free cake outside my favorite hipster coffee shop...ultimate white girl status here...the sun and shadows creating awkward tan lines on my arms), if I’d taken the gap year, I’d just keep on coming up with reasons why I shouldn’t ever go to college. 

As the reality of college hit me this week, it dug up some of the fears and lies I’d buried months ago. I was putting the fear of what others would think of me before the way Jesus already thinks of me. I was seeing myself through the eyes of my past, through the lens of shame. I assumed that as soon as people discovered who I’d been and the things I’d struggled with, that they’d hate me. That they’d refuse to be around me. That was shame. Shame says I am my mistakes. Shame says that I am my past. It says that my past is my whole story. Shame keeps me running away from the dark (who I used to be) instead of stepping into the light (my present; who God made me to be). God has been making these things increasingly clear. If I keep running from the past and hiding from the inevitable, people will see me through the lens of my past. If I give shame the power to define me, it will. And others will define me by that too. But if I step into the light, the present that God has for me: it is there where I will experience abundance, nurturing relationships, and grace. It is in stepping into the light that we find we are loved for who we are at our core. Children of God. It is there where people long to be around us because of our compassion. Our laughter. Our hobbies. Our personality. Is it there where we find LOVE because the mistakes we’ve made in the past have nothing to do with what’s in store for us in the future. What we’ve done has nothing to do with our identity, with who we are. 

So let’s quit hiding and running away from the dark. Let’s start stepping into the light (which looks different for all of us). For me, it’s deciding to define myself as Natalie. A Jesus follower. A Child of God. Fully known. Fully loved. Clothed in grace. Sensitive. Tender Hearted. Slow to complain. Alive. Worshipper. Lover of Jesus, worship, coffee dates, intentional conversations, chacos, Enos, bumper stickers, jam sessions, moleskins. 

Cedarville University, see you in 102 days :)

From Immense Pain to Incredible Purpose

I wrote a couple weeks ago about lions and their hunting tactics. A female lion doesn’t have a mane, so that she can camouflage herself in the bushes. It’s the male lions who make those terrifying roaring noises, and as the prey run away from the noise, they end up running straight towards where the lionesses are hiding. Lionesses lack a mane. Their purpose is found in something they lack. 

My sweet friend Dana, is the embodiment of this principle. She is a senior at my high school and more importantly, a friend of mine. At age 13, she started to lose her hearing, from a genetic disorder called Neurofibramatosis Type 2. Non-cancerous tumors grow on her auditory nerves, keeping her from hearing. One day, she will eventually lose her hearing completely. Yet even amidst all of this, she is the happiest person I know. When I am around her, I can’t help but be joyful. We laugh about random things. We communicate in the little sign language I know, and the little sign language she has taught me...and laugh about that too. 

Dana is an amazing photographer. Through suffering, she has found her purpose. She is the photographer for many sports teams at the high school, and for Young Life. Dana says her  “photography is a gift [she’s] been given as [her] way to communicate and connect with others”. She is able to feel and connect with people’s emotions through her camera lens. 

Getting to know her better this year has been such a privilege, as it’s dramatically changed my perspective on life. As I have lost a lot due to some health issues this year, being around this beautiful soul who finds her purpose in things she has lost too, has been an encouragement and an example. Because the truth is, we will all experience loss. Whether it be our hearing, our health, our energy, our friends, it will come. The more we focus on the loss, the more our lives will be shaped by negativity and grief. It is up to us to choose what we want in our frame. In Jesus, we have all the strength we need to kick loss out of the frame of our lives, and find our purpose through it, like Dana has. 

Because God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others. Even God lost His only son for a while and Jesus lost His father. And in that, Jesus found His purpose. Saving us. In the incredible pain of loss, comes incredible purpose!

Here are some of Dana's photographs! All credits go to her!

Lessons from a Four Year Old

Getting out of bed after 9 hours of sleep is already a battle. Try 6 hours and I’ve got a seemingly impossible task in front of me. When my alarm went off at 6:30 AM, I stayed in the haven of my warm bed for 20 more minutes, debating whether or not I wanted to show my face to the world that morning. But I decided to be brave. I got up. 

The first three classes at school were torture. My mind was foggy. I felt like I was going to pass out. All I could think of was how tired I was. I went to the library during my free to attempt to read, and ended up falling asleep (patagonia fleeces make amazing pillows). I woke up to a gentle tap on the shoulder from a sweet girl in my choir class who I barely talk to. My groggy and confused expression must have said it all. “The bell’s about to ring. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t dead or anything,” she exclaimed, half jokingly and half seriously. And then before turning to leave, she whispered to me, “I believe in you.” I believe in you. Those four words changed just about everything. The day got easier after that. It was still drained in every way, but Jesus was my sustainer. He gave me all I needed to get through the day. He gave me rest in the form of intentional conversation, which re-energized me. 

If that wasn’t enough, God went farther. That same day, an appointment I had scheduled right before work ran late. Frazzled, I ran into the classroom only to find a packed, loud, bustle of kids. Two of whom had just walked in and were teacher-less. My co workers breathed a sigh of relief and within 10 seconds, I was sitting down with these two brothers. They immediately started fighting over a pencil and both of them ended up in tears. A room filled with chaos; kids who have spring fever and don’t feel like studying; now add two screaming crying brothers to the picture. But that’s when the younger one, who had just turned four years old, looked at me and said in his adorable voice: “You’re beautiful. Did that just make your day? I tell my mom that every day.” And then he started doing his work again, as if none of the past 3 minutes of fighting had existed. I almost started crying myself. Because in that moment of chaos, those were the exact words I needed. 

The words we say, change people. You can think the truth in your head, but there’s always a part of you that doesn’t believe. I can tell myself I’m beautiful because Jesus says so and He doesn’t lie. I can trust that so and so loves me, but hearing them say, “I love you,” “You’re beautiful”, solidified those things in my head that day. When my friend and my student spoke those God given words, I felt like it was God speaking those words directly to me. Hearing my friend say “I believe in you” changed everything because I realized that God says that to me every moment. When getting out of bed seemed impossible that morning, Jesus was there whispering to my soul, “I believe in you. I believe in you.” Hearing my four year old tell me I was beautiful, made me realize that even in that moment of chaos, that’s how Jesus was thinking of me. God used a four year old and a friend whom I barely see, to speak truths over my life that I couldn’t access in the moment. Those truths drastically changed the course of my day. 

My prayer is that we would follow these examples. That we would listen to the Holy Spirit and speak truth into people in moments where they can’t access it themselves. 

The Courage to do Hard Things

I love John 16:33 "Take Heart for I have Overcome the World". I have these words on a poster directly above my bed, and they're the first thing I see when I open my eyes. In one of my favorite books, Levi Lusko transformed this verse for me:

"It's interesting that [John] writes Take Heart, because heart is also translated as courageousness. So he is saying Take Courage. We generally think of courage as an emotion or attribute that you either have or don't. Not so. Jesus' command is for you to take it from His hand--as much as you need" (Levi Lusko). 

I've come up with a definition for bravery recently. Bravery is having the courage to do hard things. It can be letting Jesus pick you back up even though you've fallen a million and one times. Being on the outside who you are on the inside. Choosing to believe who Jesus says you are even when everything in you feels the opposite. Getting out of bed and doing something with your life, even when you have no energy. Deciding to trust God when your future is uncertain. Choosing to see what God says is there instead of what you see in front of you. Showing your flaws and scars, because there's a difference between a wound and a scars (a scar is healed and in fact made up of STRONGER tissue than before the injury), and there is ever so much grace. 

These hard things differ for everyone. Whatever they may be however, we cannot do them on our own. We can't muster up enough courage on our own. To have courage, we must take courage, take heart. Jesus is standing with His palms wide open, holding all the courage we'll ever need, and all we have to do is take it. 

So let's take it. Let's take heart and take courage. Let's be a brave generation full of world changers.

Through The Eyes of a Lion

My minute obsession with lions began my freshman year, on a retreat. Someone saw a vision for me during worship. They saw a lion who thought he was stuck in a cage, yet the doors were wide open and all he had to do to be free, was to walk out. I didn’t realize how prophetic that vision was, as years later, I would come to understand that vision and proceed to walk out of the cage. 

Then there was The Lion King. One day, I watched the Lion King three times with a sick cousin of mine. The parallels between the movie’s plot and the Gospel, blew me away, and still do to this day. And I’m sure we’ve all heard of Aslan, the Lion in the Chronicles of Narnia, who pretty much represents Jesus. 

But lions have become more important to me recently, because I am learning to see life through the eyes of one. 

Lions are 6 times better at processing light than humans. Lions can stretch their pupils 3 times more than we can. And get this, God painted that white stripe under their eyes, so they can maximize glare. So even in the dimness of the moonlight, lions can maximize the amount of light available to them. Lions don’t have access to more light than we do; They are just better at using it. I want to maximize the amount of light that I see. I want to see things that my rods and cones can’t see. I think so often, we see what is right in front of us: (our bodies wasting away day by day, our present troubles that seem to block that telescope of faith we have access to). But God is calling us to see what God says is there. So even though I see days of confusion and fogginess, God says He is my clarity. Even though I see death, God says He is the resurrection and life. Learning to see what God says is there, instead of what I see in front of me. 

Lions never walk on flat foot. They’re ALWAYS walking on their tiptoes. They are always ready to pounce at any moment. I want to walk on my tiptoes. When you’re on your tiptoes, you can see over things. You can see over the bad to get a peek at what’s around the River-bend. Because suffering is not an obstacle to keep God from using me; it’s an opportunity to be used by Him through it. Where there is impossible pain, God brings incredible power. God always uses suffering for His glory, so whenever I see pain, I want to get on my tiptoes to see past it, and think “I can’t wait to see what God will do through this.”

Lions hunt in groups. Lionesses hide in the bushes while the male lions give a huge roar that can be heard from 5 miles away (Ever wonder why lionesses don’t have a mane? They couldn’t camouflage themselves in the bushes if they did have one. What a lioness doesn’t have, equips her for what she’s called to do). When the prey hears that roar, they run....run straight into the trap where the lionesses are waiting. The prey runs straight towards their fear. I want to run straight towards my fear. Because fear is necessary for there to be faith. If there wasn’t risk or danger, we wouldn’t need faith. But victory only comes my friends, when we do the things that terrify us. 

So let’s start living like lions. Seeing beyond what’s in front of us by maximizing His light, living with expectation by walking on our tiptoes, and finding victory by running right towards our fears. 

                                                               Ps, it's temporary :)